lonely

My adopted dad came for a visit this past week.

It was a wonderful time just being together and laughing. I had forgotten how much I miss having a person to do things with. Someone who knows all of my struggles and my weaknesses, has seen my failures and shortcomings, but has also watched my successes and loves me regardless of it all.

So, while he was here, I realized how alone I truly am. A great sadness filled my heart. I sat with him questioning him as to why God would want this for my life. He just looked deep into my eyes and said, “I do not have the answer for that Melissa.” He then went on to say how amazed he was at my resilience and how I had endured an entire life filled with pain and loss. He said (as a former doctor) I was one of the few people he had met in his life who had experienced so much tragedy and yet remained so sincere and genuine. I had not allowed life to steal my heart of love. He admonished me of the gift I had that few do- the ability to share genuine love.

I do not share this as a kudos to myself. I know it is the grace of God that allows me to continue to hope and love others when most would run the other direction.

I also know that it is complete irony that the one thing I desire in life and can so freely give, I cannot seem to achieve for myself. I do not (get to receive) love- Yes, I have the love of my children and my friends. But my heart is lonely, and it longs for the true love and care of another. A life mate. A soulmate.

I have become accustomed to living alone and truly experiencing all that life has to offer. I love adventure and will try (almost) anything! I even did stand up comedy. I met many great people, and they have impacted my life in one way or another. And yet, I am still here- on my own.I begin to question if I am likable, let alone lovable. But I know this is futile because we all are simply because we exist. We all deserve this. So, the war within myself is just self-sabotage. I lose before I even begin. Deep down I know that I have worth. I know that I bring value to this life we live. I know that even though I am alone, I am not destined to be lonely.

I will continue to look for the good. I cannot give up on others as I never want anyone to give up on me. I want to give what I hope desperately to receive one day- unconditional, not transactional, acceptance and love.

I am reminded… Love is patient, kind, suffers long, does not envy or boast, is not proud or rude. Love always hopes and believes. This is a commandment- a declaration to this world of what we must stand on and more than that- BE. (Not just to others, but to ourselves as well)