through my eyes

So, they say that after the worst experience of your life, you find something amazing. Almost like that event itself paves the way for you to be where you are truly meant to be. 

I would have to say that it has proven true in my life.

What I saw as life changing and unbearably traumatic actually ended up changing the whole trajectory of my life- for the better. 

Many do not know the trauma of not only emotional abuse but then the escalation to physical threats and follow-though. That is what I experienced. I am not here to write about that today. I am here to tell you undoubtedly that there is life beyond all of that. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Even if you feel embarrassed or ashamed. Even if you are struggling with depression and loving yourself through all of it. There is so much more ahead for you.

When I left Florida for Maine, I was on the mend emotionally. I had begun going to Al Anon, and was working with a personal trainer, and a nutrition coach. I had decided that in order to heal I had to stop focusing on everyone else and what they thought and begin to focus on myself. It wasn’t easy. It was a process. A process of taking the time to quiet myself. To shut out the noise of others. To let go of my expectations. 

You see I had a huge tendency to self-sabotage because my expectations were so unrealistic. I did not afford myself any grace at all. I expected to be able to run a marathon when I hadn’t walked around the block in 25 years. (this of course is an analogy not what I wanted, but you get the idea) All too often I believe we decide we want to be different and expect to wake up the next day well, different. It is not reasonable, and it sets us up for disappointment and discouragement. And when we begin to feel that way, it is an easy out to just give up and quit trying.

So, I had to be intentional. I began to journal. I began to write out all of my feelings. I began to even read some of these “letters” to others. It was so interesting to me how when you read your own words to another person how freeing and centering it can be. You realize when your perspective is off and when you do that, you change because it is you who recognizes it. We can hear from others, but it is vastly different to accept what they are saying and listen in order to change. We can get so lost in our own ways that we lose sight of reality. This practice of writing unfiltered and then reading aloud caused me to hear from my mouth the things I needed to change. It also gave another person the opportunity to encourage me and challenge me to grow even more.

What I appreciate most about my journaling is that it memorializes things. I can go back and see where I was and compare it to where I am now. It makes me give myself credit for the growth I striving for. (which I am guilty of not allowing myself).

“Through My Eyes”, is a journey of life. It is about how my perspective was changed. It chronicles the lessons I have learned. The challenges I have faced. And the grace I have found not only in the eyes of another, but my own eyes. (Which is exactly what I needed most).

I have learned that I cannot find happiness in another. That is too much responsibility to put on someone else. No, it must come from within. I have learned that there is peace and trust available in this life, and it does depend on who you allow into your world. I never was able to rest before, but now I can sit content and confident in who I am, where I am going, and who truly is beside me in it all. 

I am so blessed to be able to share this, to be vulnerable to you and hopefully give to you a portion of the gift you have given to me.