pathetic

I have spent my life putting everyone else first. I have let my thoughts be consumed with their thoughts, their feelings, their desires. I have rearranged my entire life around pleasing them. I have lessened who I am in order to try and fit into their world. I have put myself at risk- financially, emotionally, and even physically all in the hopes of being a part of their life. To be valued to be seen.

It is pathetic to me. That is the word I would use to describe myself. Pathetic. 

I have apologized for setting boundaries and then withdrawn them even. I have groveled and begged and chased- just to feel like I had worth. Validation. I have searched for. Longed for. Bartered for. Reached for- even plead for.

My soul has been left empty. Still no validation.

But you know what?

Since I have been forced into this period of aloneness, I have come to realize something.

It is me who I need to apologize to. It is me who I need to beg and plead and find validation with.

I have let myself down. I have ignored my very soul- I have had little to no thought of what I really need or want. I have told myself I am not worth it, and I have acted accordingly. My subconscious is simply responding to what I have been telling myself over the years.

When I see myself as pathetic and unlovable I act exactly that way. 

Everything I have given to others- I need to – I must give to myself. I won’t lie and say that I know how to do this. But it is my new passion. It is my focus. Finding out what Melissa needs. What Melissa wants. And taking the action needed to give that to her.